I'm Afraid that This Drive

The face of the beloved in this song is not any one person, but an amalgam of traits from many people I have loved. The beloved doubts he or she is lovable...overlooks his or her own beauty...brings up my resistance, my pain, my anger...and yet the beloved remains the beloved.

Loving also brings me face-to-face with loss. I was moved to write the riskiest part of this piece by the boldness of The Flaming Lips' "Do You Realize?" - "do you realize that everyone you know someday will die?" Counting the elderly and ill among my best friends in childhood gave me a keen awareness of mortality. I find every encounter with the beloved precious. I love with tenderness and intensity, choosing my words and building memories with care, never leaving a friend's side without a loving goodbye, knowing that sometimes there isn't another chance. This piece is dark, yang; loss, conflict, and grief…but the grief is a tiny motivating seed within the radiant fulfillment of love's yin.

I'm afraid that this drive

May have taken a hold

Taken control

Of the better of me

The last thing I'll ever see

Is a spider web wall

Shower stall

Wash, wash away

Hope it's a better day tomorrow

Will be a better day

(You) ask what I see in you

(Why) it was ever begun

You think I'd run

How could I?

You're still wondering why

I love your Persian bones

Your shadow tones

You still believe the lies

As you close your eyes

And you're without a smile

And you're without a word

I trace your lip with a gypsy mind

Knowing one day you will die away

And the last thing I ever heard from you will stay

Hope it's a better day tomorrow

Will be a better day

You think I'd be okay

If I were more like you

For a night or two

That's not how I've survived

(Now) I'm afraid that this drive

May have taken a hold

Taken control

Of the better of me